As Good As Gold
by tempus terere
Summary: In which Drew's hidden complexes are finally revealed and everybody pities Miss Albert. — Drew


**Title:** As good as gold.**  
Wordcount:** 1,170**  
Warnings:** Literal insanity ahead.**  
Summary:** In which Drew's hidden complexes and fears are finally revealed and everyone pities Miss Albert. AU. Drew-centric. One-shot. Crack.**  
Notes:** Do not ask me where this came from. I honestly don't know myself.**  
Notes 2:** Dedicated to my sexy little bunny, whom I adore, but never seem to have time for.

Today was to be the greatest day yet in Miss Albert's (quite unspectacular) life.

It was her first day at Newbark High School as the new student counsellor (actually, it was her first day as a student counsellor at all) and she was more than looking forward to it. When she reached her small office, which, by the way, used to be the janitor's broom closet in former times, she perceived with delight her very first 'case' (as she liked to call it). It was a boy of rather small height, with horrible sense of fashion (Really, who combined purple together with turquoise and black? Besides fags, of course. It wasn't as if she _disliked_ homosexuals or anything, but she couldn't help but be disgusted and—just eww, the imagination!) and Lord Jesus, green hair? Her breath hitched as did her heartbeat, although she quickly managed to recompose herself. He was her first case, a youngster in need, a lost sheep, who came here, probably desperate and craving her professional advice. She had to act as a role model!

"Good morning," she said to him affectionately and with a warm smile on her lips. "I am the student counsellor, Miss Albert. How can I help you?"

"Hello," the boy—Drew, a second year—greeted back politely, but to her disappointment, didn't return her smile (he must be one of he harder cases). "I'm a new student; my name's Andrew Hayden. I was told I should go see you for routine or something."

At this Miss Albert's disappointment increased. She had anticipated him to be emotionally wrecked and begging to be fixed (just look at his appearance!), but, she concluded, he wasn't going to be the last pupil to seek her aid and, with that, let it go. "Okay, Andrew," she chirped happily as she unlocked the door of her office. "Do come in."

He did as he was told and sat down on the chair in front of her small desk, behind which she had taken her seat, as well.

"So, how do you like our school so far? Have you found friends already?" Miss Albert decided to open the conversation with a topic she thought was most appropriate and would make him loosen up a little.

"Yeah, I guess," he answered, kind of uncomfortable in such a narrow room.

Miss Albert, however, mistook this slightly claustrophobic tendency for a deep emotional trauma and eagerly proceeded to take out her notebook. "Go on," she motioned him, excited to find the source of his problem.

"With what?" he asked in bewilderment and now it wasn't merely the size of this room that caused an unpleasant inside his stomach. (That woman's eyes were glinting disturbingly inhuman and positively evil.)

Her smile softened and she looked at him endearingly. "With whatever subject that comes to your mind, sweetie." She was sure, _this_ was going to break him apart, to crack his shell, and make him spill all of his worries and secrets.

But, sadly, no such thing happened.

"Um. I am confused," Drew stated instead and Miss Albert inwardly slapped herself for her own stupidity. He had been in a state of disorientation and she had not seen it! But she would make up for this insolence!

"Of course you are," she agreed with him and (successfully) fought the urge to pat him on the head. After all he was a young boy and, probably, had hit puberty already, too. "How about I help you out a bit?"

"Uh, okay." He wasn't entirely sure it was what he really wanted.

"Now, Andrew," she began, while writing 'First Big Case' as a headline in her notebook. "What is your greatest fear?"

He hesitated, uncertain if it was the right thing to comply or if it was better (smarter) to pick the ruder option and simply run away, and decided that, since he was here, he might as well answer that strange counsellor's questions. (This way he was able to skip science, which he loathed almost as much as Gary Oak, his class's representative.)

"Err, I don't know, dying as a virgin?"

This was immediately written down and remembered, still it didn't satisfy Miss Albert's desire to find out this boy's true problem. Surely there was more to it! "Do you think of yourself as a not very pretty person or why are you afraid of that?" she tried further and silently cheered in victory as she noticed that he frowned upon this question. A genuine reaction! She was making wonderful progress!

Meanwhile, Drew was fuming with a righteous anger he had never experienced before. How dare this woman imply that he wasn't pretty? How dare she? He was, sure enough, the most prettiest boy this world ever had the fortune and honour of witnessing!

"Andrew?" Miss Albert inquired five minutes later when he still hadn't answered, concerned she might have gone too far and distraught this poor mind. "Andrew, dear? Are you all right?"

She had to wait yet another five minutes until he was finished with his inner rant and he finally deemed it okay to reply. "Yes, ma'am, I am perfectly fine," he said, calmly, and was very proud of himself. "Although I do have to say I feel offended."

She could not help but admit that this took her aback. "What," she smiled brightly. "Do you mean by that?"

"Obviously," he explained, gesturing toward himself. "I am a highly attractive person."

Now it was Miss Albert's turn to be confused. "Erm. I never meant to say otherwise—"

"Yes, you did," Drew corrected her, as if he were talking to a five-year-old. And suddenly she felt very small and very scolded. Unsure of what to say next, she bit her lip.

"But you know what?" he continued, only half aware who he was talking to anymore. "You know what? I don't care what you or other people think! Because, in the end, we all know it is me who is the most beautiful and not Oak, that ugly maggot!"

Now Miss Albert didn't only feel very small and very scolded, but outright scared. This boy was insane, mad, too much for a plain student counsellor! Even if it was her, she wouldn't be able to solve this on her own!

Drew, who had stood up by now, began to vividly pace around (how he managed to do that in such a narrow room he doesn't quite know himself), erratically hissing incoherent mumbles under his breath.

"Andrew, _darling_—"

"SHUT UP," he roared. "I AM ATTEMPTING TO POSTPONE MY MENTAL BREAKDOWN HERE."

"Oh," she breathed out and felt dangerously close to her very own mental breakdown. "Okay."

"I SAID SHUT UP," he seethed, eyes flashing maniacally. "I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. YOU THINK THAT PAUL HEARTNET IS BETTER LOOKING THAN ME, TOO, AREN'T YOU?"

Frightened to the bones, Miss Albert started to hyperventilate.

Fortunately for her, shortly after, the bypassing janitor rescued her out of that miserable situation on brought Drew to the principal.

He was the first student ever to be kicked out on his first day. Miss Albert was sent to a health resort and, unsurprisingly, never returned.

FIN.


End file.
